Considering the number of men who suffer from premature ejaculation, it’s rather surprising that there are not more effective cures available on the Internet.
The reason for this is probably that any successful cure for premature ejaculation requires considerable dedication and effort on the part of the man. Faced with temptation of enjoying lovemaking, thrusting fast and reaching orgasm, most men will succumb to the temptation to simply ejaculate as quickly as possible, with little regard for their partner’s pleasure, and indeed, their own long-term satisfaction.
It is all about sex, man!
For the simple truth is that this type of behaviour during sexual activity severely deprives a man of the pleasure that he might experience if he allowed his arousal to increase further for longer, by engaging in ejaculation control techniques that stopped him reaching the point of no return — otherwise known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability — too soon.
If you’re a man with premature ejaculation reading this, you might be wondering what exactly “too soon” actually means. Well, the simple answer to that is that “too soon” is an ejaculation which occurs before your partner has either emotionally or physically achieved the pleasure and satisfaction that she needs from sex.
This does not necessarily mean that a woman can reach orgasm through sexual intercourse, because this is often not the case. Indeed, research has shown that the majority of women are unable to reach orgasm through vaginal thrusting alone, but this does not alter the fact that many of them require a prolonged period of stimulation in this way for emotional satisfaction and fulfilment during intercourse.
Needless to say, those women who can reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation are even less pleased when their partner ejaculates too soon, since it deprives them of the pleasure of reaching a vaginal or G spot orgasm, which by all accounts is much more profound and fulfilling than a clitoral orgasm.
Now whether or not this bothers you as a man depends on many different factors, including whether or not you are sufficiently concerned about your partner’s sexual pleasure and fulfilment to engage in a process of ejaculation control exercises. My experience has shown me that many men who have a rapid ejaculation tend to excuse themselves on the grounds that it is a biological condition that can’t be helped.
I’ve heard men refer to such issues as levels of serotonin in the brain, unusually fast ejaculatory reflexes, and oversensitivity of the penis. Research has demonstrated that there is absolutely no truth in the idea that changes in levels of serotonin are caused by, or a cause of, premature ejaculation.
It’s all too easy to take an anecdotal account and extrapolate it to a whole theory of how an organic condition such as premature ejaculation develops. This has not been helped by the fact that delayed ejaculation has also been linked to variations in serotonin levels. Read more about effective delayed ejaculation treatment here. What has happened in this case appears to be that the observation that those men who have been given SSRI antidepressants like fluoxetine, paroxetine or Dapoxetine, and who then show a delay in the ejaculatory reflex, has led to a body of opinion forming which holds that it is excessive serotonin in the brain that is responsible for rapid ejaculation.
The truth is that this is in no way a correlation, and indeed is probably not even an association. It’s impossible to experiment with men to determine whether or not those who do ejaculate quickly have higher or lower levels of serotonin in the brain, but even if this were possible it would not demonstrate that was a causal link.
For example, high levels of serotonin may be due to an emotional state of high arousal which has nothing to do with premature ejaculation. It could well be that a man who is oversensitive and to emotional and psychoneural stimulation in general is a highly aroused individual who tends to ejaculate quickly simply because that is his nature.
It’s not all about sex, man!
What you may not know is that there is a very close connection between sexual arousal and emotional arousal. What this means in practice is that any man who is excitable, emotional, anxious, or tends to live with high level of anxiety and emotional arousal, is already well on the way to the level of sexual arousal at which point he will ejaculate, only a few minutes after sexual activity starts.
This is because the body cannot distinguish between emotional arousal and sexual arousal. It stands to reason, therefore, that if you are aroused emotionally before you begin sexual activity, you’re going to reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability sooner than the man who starts sex feeling more relaxed.
This actually gives us a clue to the first “thrust” (pun intended) of the cure for premature ejaculation: physical relaxation, and lowering one’s level of arousal, are absolutely essential to ensuring that a man can last for as long as he wishes before he reaches the point of ejaculation.
Now of course you will know that a decrease in your level of excitement comes with familiarity to a particular stimulus, but it appears to me that men with premature ejaculation don’t acclimatize to the excitement of sex as quickly as one might expect — to me, the implication of this is that sex holds some kind of much deeper emotional significance for these men, and it’s certainly true that I have often found in my work with men who ejaculate quickly that they have deeper emotional conflicts with sex.
These stem from such psychodynamic forces such as a fear of women, a lack of trust, or an inability to establish affectionate and intimate connection with another person without losing their own boundaries and sense of self in the process.
So the second line of attack for any premature ejaculation treatment must be an investigation into the psychodynamic forces at work which maintain a man’s rapid ejaculation in the face of all encouragement, desire and intention to change this pattern of behaviour.
It’s only possible to investigate these issues with the help of a competent depth psychologist who is trained in psychodynamic techniques, but the rewards of doing so are, or at least can be, vast, and the satisfaction gained from having greater control in bed can be immense.
What causes premature ejaculation?
In my experience, the most common causes of the psychological disturbance or neurosis that are responsible for premature ejaculation are an invasive relationship by the female caregiver during the boy’s childhood, often culminating in covert, if not overt, sexual abuse.
It is regrettably often true that what I find in cases of PE is that women who have brought the boy up without the support of men, in particular where the father has been absent, have tended to use the boy psychologically as a substitute for a male partner, thereby causing him conflict between his desire to support her in the way that she wishes, so as to maintain her love, and the boy’s own desire to live as he should: which is to say, as a boy, with his own boundaries, and in a relationship entirely appropriate between a boy and his mother — which does not, as you may well imagine, involve sexual or sexualised overtones.
The third line of attack on any desire to cure premature ejaculation has to be around familiarity with the excitement of penetration and intercourse.
Fortunately this can be done quite easily by process of vaginal acclimatization.
What this means in practice is that the man is required to insert his penis into his partner, but then not to thrust. Instead, the couple lie side by side in bed, moving only as much as may be necessary to maintain the man’s erections. After a period of time that has been reported to vary between 10 and 20 minutes in the majority of cases, but may last as long as 30 in some cases, the man will experience a distinct change in the sensation that he is feeling, at which point he can be sure that the process of vaginal acclimatisation has completed.
What it essentially means, in simplistic terms, is that he has become accustomed to the excitement and feeling of his penis inside a woman. Now, the warmth, the wetness, and the sheer sexual arousal of this position has become a familiar experience for him, and his arousal is no longer shooting him up towards the point of ejaculatory inevitability more quickly than he is able to cope with.
Vaginal acclimatization has been much underrated as part of the cure for premature ejaculation, but in my judgement it is absolutely essential for almost all men who have a problem with rapid ejaculation, since it allows them to rapidly become accustomed to the stimulation of sexual intercourse, and to treat it as a much more mature man would.
Now, don’t misunderstand me: by a “more mature man”, all I mean is one who is accepting of sex is a natural part of his birthright as a man, and who is not overly excited by it in the way that a boy or perhaps a young man would be.
I don’t mean to say that there shouldn’t be, or cannot be, any anticipation of the thrill and satisfaction of lovemaking; rather, what I mean is to say that there should be none of the kind of boyish over-excitement at the prospect of doing something so “sexy”.
It’s hard to explain, but any man who has successfully travelled the road of adolescence through young adulthood to male maturity would probably understand what I’m talking about.
It’s a transition that involves an alteration in attitude to sex, whereby sex moves from simply being something that appears almost unattainable, something to be “grabbed” with both hands whenever one can have it, to a position where a man is fully in his own male power, and is able to take the opportunity to enjoy sex with women because he is strong in his power and attractive in his own right to women as a powerful masculine man.
This level of maturity is probably one of the most effective cures for premature ejaculation, but perversely it’s probably also the most difficult aspect of any male developmental process. It can only come through an initiation into manhood, and premature ejaculation, by its very nature, is something that tends to happen to men who are less mature psychologically — and whether or not they see the need for some kind of process to guide them into a more powerful male position is often just a matter of chance. Finally it is worth observing that emotional freedom techniques have also been known to help this problem.